Burns, Baby Burns
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"Burns, Baby Burns" is the fourth episode from the eighth season of The Simpsons. It is the first Simpsons episode ever written by Ian Maxtone-Graham.
Synopsis:
Mr. Burns's train ride back to Springfield from Yale is interrupted by a couch on the tracks. While the train sits, a man named Larry (played by Rodney Dangerfield) hawks souvenirs to the stranded passengers. When he sees Mr. Burns, he is surprised and packs up his gear and follows the train to Springfield.The Simpsons see Larry hitchhiking to town and stop to pick him up. In Springfield, Larry heads to Burns's estate and identifies reveals himself as Burns's long-lost son. Burns, acknowledging the resemblance, admits that Larry is the result of a one-night fling during a college reunion.
At first, Burns accepts his son but tires of him when Larry proves to be an embarrassment. However, Homer befriends Larry, realizing that they share many of the same interests. They fake Larry's kidnapping to help Larry win back his father's love. Marge convinces Homer and Larry to abandon their plan, but as they leave they are spotted by a news helicopter and are chased by reporters and police.
The two are chased into a cinema where they climb out onto the marquee and have a brief standoff with the police. Larry gives a heartfelt speech and Mr. Burns forgives Homer and Larry for the hoax but explains he cannot continue as his father. Announcing he's returning home, Larry throws an impromptu street party.
Quotes
- Lisa: What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day.
Marge: I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series.
Homer: [mocking] Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today. - Burns: Well, did you meet Larry?
Man: Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto be "semper fudge." At that point, he told me to [making quotes with fingers] relax.
Burns: How were his test scores?
Woman: Let's just say this: he spelled "Yale" with a six.
Burns: I see. Well, I -- ooh, you know, I just remembered, it's time for my annual donation. [brings out checkbook and pen] I wonder how much I should give.
Man: Well, frankly, test scores like Larry's would call for a very generous contribution. [opens book] For example, a score of 400 would require a donation of new football uniforms, 300, a new dormitory, and in Larry's case, we would need an international airport.
Woman: Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Are you mad?! I'm not made of airports! Now get out! - Larry: Ho, this guy's got more bread than a prison meat loaf. He's rich, I tell ya. I never seen a place with a walk-in mailbox. [realizing] Hey, who am I talking to?
- Homer: Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you. And that is a phony kidnapping.
Larry: Yeah, right. I don't know. Maybe I should just leave town.
Homer: [singing persuasively] Phony kidnapping...
Larry: Nah... I know what I gotta do. I gotta clean up my act. No more joking around all the time. No more slacking off at work. And most important, no more booze! [throws down glass of alcohol] I know I can do it.
[later...]
Burns: [reading a letter] "Your son has been kidnapped." - Wiggum: All right, Mr. B. When the kidnappers call with the ransom demand, you tell them you'll leave the money under the big net in the park.
Lou: And then down comes the net, right, Chief?
Wiggum: Heyyy, I like it! I like it a lot! - Burns: Ahoy-hoy?
Homer: [speaking through a kazoo] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son?
Burns: Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately!
Homer: If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today.
Burns: Oh, how much proof do you need? 5,000? 6,000? I swear, that's all I've got.
Homer: Don't you care about your son?! This is more important than money!
Burns: More important than money? Who is this?
Homer: Uh...[panics, loses control of the phone] Just a second.[hangs up]
Wiggum: Beautiful. Eddie, did you trace the phone number?
Eddie: Sure did, Chief.
Wiggum: [reading paper] 5-5-5... Aw, geez, that's gotta be phony.[discards the number into a fire] - Marge: Homer, give yourself up.
Bart: No dad, shoot your way out.
(On TV, Homer runs out of the theatre and gets shot down.)
Kent Brockman: A bloody end for Homer Simpson, is just one of the numerous scenarios created by our computer simulator. Now let's see what it would look like if he were killed by a barrage of baseballs. - Larry: Hey, I'm looking for this guy. Anybody know who he is?
Bart: Yeah, sure, we know him. That's Mr. Burns.
Lisa: He tried to kill our puppies.
Marge: He sexually harassed me.
Grandpa: He stole my fiancee.
Homer: He made fun of my weight.
Larry: Okay, so there's been a little friction. Know his address?
Trivia
- The song playing over the street party scene is Journey's Any Way You Want It. It featured on the soundtrack to Caddyshack, a film which starred guest star Rodney Dangerfield.
- The Simpsons visit Mt. Swartzwelder Historic Cider Mill, which is named after prolific Simpsons writer John Swartzwelder.
- After Homer and Larry go into the costume shop, the shop owner on his way to the bathroom passes a Darth Vader helmet.
External links
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