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Jewish view of marriage

Encyclopedia : J : JE : JEW : Jewish view of marriage

Judaism considers marriage to be the ideal state of existence; a man without a wife, or a woman without a husband, are considered incomplete.

Contents

Classical customs

In traditional Jewish society, from the era of the Talmud up to the enlightenment, social association of the sexes was usually restricted (tzeniut). In Orthodox Jewish communities these social restrictions are still practiced.

Betrothal from the Mishnah and Talmud

According to the traditional view, Jewish betrothal could only be contracted in one of three ways (Mishna, tractate Kiddushim 1:1):

  1. With money (as when a man hands a woman an object of value, such as a ring or a coin, for the purpose of contracted marriage, and in the presence of two witnesses, and she actively accepts);
  2. Through a shtar, a contract containing the betrothal declaration phrased as "through this contract"; or
  3. By sexual intercourse with the intention of creating a bond of marriage, a method strongly discouraged by the rabbinic sages.
Today only the betrothal ceremony involving the object of value (i.e. the equivalent of "with money"), almost always a ring, is practiced, but the others may be fallen back upon should a halachic dispute occur.

Engagement for marriage was generally brought about by a third person, often a professional match-maker ("shadchan"). The process is called Shidduchim (Hebrew: matches). The shadchan received a "brokerage-fee" fixed by law or agreed upon by custom, as a rule a small percentage of the dowry. It was paid by either of the parties, or each paid one-half, at the betrothal or after the wedding. The rabbi, as a person enjoying special confidence, was also often employed as intermediary. Although the marriage preliminaries were the concern of the parents, their children were not forced into marriage over their objections.

Marriage ceremony

The marriage ceremony is based on the rules for transfer of property or of rights in antiquity. In marriage, the woman accepts a ring (or something of value) from the man, accepting the terms of the marriage. This is called betrothal, or kiddushin or erusin. A ketubah ("[marriage] contract") is read publicly. Witnesses are required for both the signing of the ketubah and the ceremonies.

At the giving of the ring the groom makes a declaration "You are consecrated to me, through this ring, according to the religion of Moses and Israel." Traditionally there is no verbal response on the part of the bride. She accepts the ring on her finger, and closes her hand, signifying acceptance.

Finally the couple are joined in matrimony under the chuppah, in the ceremony of nissuin, symbolizing their setting up house together. Very often the chuppah is made of an outstretched tallit (Jewish prayer shawl), but it can be any sort of canopy.

The ceremony reaches its climax with both the bride and groom drinking wine. The groom then steps on the wine glass to break it. The origin of this custom is shrouded in mystery, and various understandings of this custom exist:

Reform and Conservative adaptations

Conservative Judaism and Reform Judaism have however created new minhagim ("customs") in the wedding ceremony. Today most non-traditional Jewish women respond by giving a ring to the groom, and recite an appropriate passage, such as the famous verse from the Song of Songs, Ani l'dodi v'dodi Li ("I am for my beloved, and my beloved is for me", Song of Songs 6:3).

The Ketubah

The ketubah lays out rights of the wife (to monetary payments upon termination of the marriage by death or divorce), and obligations of the husband (providing food, shelter, clothing, and sexual satisfaction to the wife). Due to its overriding importance, it was not written in the Hebrew language, but in Aramaic, the lingua franca of Jews at the time the first Ketubot became standardized.

Orthodox Judaism uses a traditional ketubah based on the forms that have evolved and standardized over the past millennium. There are minor variations between Orthodox groups, but none of major legal or theological difference. While Jews today no longer speak Aramaic, Orthodox ketubot are still written in this tongue. Nowadays many Orthodox ketubot also have English translations.

Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist changes

Conservative Judaism uses a traditional ketubah, but has incorporated two changes. Aramaic ketubot (pl.) are still used, but since Hebrew has been reborn as a living language, an official Hebrew version of the Ketubah is now sometimes used. A second change is that a new paragraph is allowed as an option as a "prenuptial agreement"; this paragraph includes a directive that if the couple ever gets a civil (non-religious) divorce, they must go to a Bet Din ("[rabbinical] court") and follow its directives, which tells the husband that he must give his wife a get, a Jewish divorce.

The Reform and Reconstructionist movements use both more equalized versions of the ketubah, and also use documents that are essentially not a ketubah at all, but rather a new form of wedding celebration document.

Chuppah

An elaborate chupah
Enlarge
An elaborate chupah
Chuppah (also spelled huppa, huppa, chupah, or chuppa - plural chuppot) is a canopy traditionally used in Jewish weddings. It consists of an embroidered cloth -- sometimes a tallit ("prayershawl") -- stretched or supported over four poles, and is often carried by attendants to the location where the ceremony will take place. It is meant to symbolize the home which the couple will build together.

A traditional Chuppah, especially within Orthodox Judaism, recommends that there be open sky exactly above the Chuppah. If the wedding ceremony is held indoors in a hall, sometimes a special opening is built to be opened during the ceremony. Many Hasidim prefer to conduct the entire ceremony outdoors.

The word chuppah originally appears in the Hebrew Bible (Joel 2:16; Psalms 19:6). The chuppah represents a Jewish home symbolized by the cloth canopy and the four poles. Just as a chuppah is open on all four sides, so was the tent of Abraham open for hospitality. Thus, the Chuppah represents hospitality to one's guests. This "home" is also initially devoid of furniture as a reminder that the basis of a Jewish home is the people within it, not the possessions.

Historically, in Talmudic times, Jewish weddings in the past comprised two separate parts. The first of which was the betrothal ceremony. The second part was the actual wedding ceremony. These two ceremonies usually took place about a year apart. The bride lived with her parents until the actual marriage ceremony, which would take place in a room or tent that the groom had set up for her. Later in history, the two ceremonies were combined and the marriage ceremony started to be performed publicly. At this new ceremony, the chuppah, or the portable marriage canopy, was included as a symbol of the chamber in which the marriage originally took place.

In a spiritual sense, the covering of the chuppah represents the presence of G-d over the covenant of marriage. As a man's kipa (skull cap) served as a reminder of the Creator above all, so the chuppah was erected to signify that the ceremony and institution of marriage has divine origins.

Ritual purity in family life

The Laws of "Family Purity" (taharas hamishpacha) have always been a pre-requisite of the Jewish marriage. This requires a knowledge of the menstrual Niddah laws which all Jewish brides and grooms have been required to study and practice.

Controversy over intermarriage

The Jewish concept of marriage is based on kiddushin (sanctification). The wife and husband are publicly sanctified to each other in an exclusive relationship. The rules regarding such sanctification, by definition, are for a relationship between the Jews. The Jewish declaration of marriage includes the phrase that the marriage is being carried out by the laws of Moses and Israel; such a declaration has no meaning for a marriage ceremony between a Jew and a gentile. If any such marriage is carried out Jews are aware of the civil legitimacy of such a ceremony, but accord it no religious legitimacy.

Civil versus religious marriages, and inter-faith marriages

There is an ongoing debate about inter-faith marriage in especially the Jewish community. Orthodoxy argues from the biblical prohibition on the ancient Israelites against permitting their children to marry the children of gentiles (Deuteronomy 7:3); Moses warns that on transgression, their children will follow other gods, and they themselves will consequently be destroyed. Some traditionalists speak metaphorically of intermarriage in the modern era as a "Silent Holocaust." Modernists see inter-faith marriages as a contribution to a multicultural society that enriches lives. It should be noted, however, that inter-marriages between Jews and Non-Jews have a significantly higher divorce rate than the national average. Also, partly due to apathy of the original Jewish parent and partly due to the lack of a strong sense of identity, children from intermarriage almost never identify as Jewish. In the past, intermarriages were extremely rare. Over the last century the rate of intermarriage in the USA in particular has skyrocketed; reasons suggested are that Jewish people have a larger chance of meeting a non-Jewish partner, or that many Jewish people in the USA are being raised without a religious, observant upbringing, and without any detailed formal Jewish education.

All branches of Orthodox Judaism, both Haredi and non-Haredi, refuse to accept any validity of intermarriages. Reform Judaism and Reconstructionist Judaism do not accept the Halakha (Rabbinical Jewish law) as normative, so technically they do not have firm rules against it. Therefore, under certain circumstances that must be discussed with the rabbi beforehand, many Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis will officiate at a marriage between a Jew and a gentile, as long as the couple agrees to certain conditions. These conditions usually state that the couple must raise the children as Jewish and provide them with some sort of formal Jewish education. However some Reform and Reconstrictionist Jews view intermarriage as a threat to the unity and survival of the Jewish people, and many still discourage it.

There is a difference between a religious Jewish marriage and the secular marriage. In the United States (and many other countries), when a rabbi officiates at a wedding, it is de facto a legal wedding by the law of the United States, as well; therefore, a rabbi cannot officiate for you without a civil license. This is the secular (civil) marriage. However, Kiddushin is a ceremony that can only take place between two Jews. Many rabbis will not officiate at a wedding between a Jew and a non-Jew because it is outside the realm of Jewish law and custom.

Jewish educators note that the vast majority of American Jews receive no Jewish education whatsoever after age 13, and have no substantial understanding of Judaism's theological, philosophical, and ethical teachings. Some hold, therefore, that much intermarriage today, is thus not a deliberate rejection of Judaism, but a choice to marry a person that one has happened to meet.

Divorce

Halakha (Jewish law) allows for divorce. The document of divorce is termed a get. The final divorce ceremony involves the husband giving the get document into the hand of the wife or her agent, but the wife may sue in rabbinical court to initiate the divorce. If a man refuses to grant his wife a divorce, she assumes the status of an agunah (literally, "chained" or "anchored" wife); she is unable to remarry religiously until the divorce is granted. A similar but rarer situation, in which the wife refuses to accept a get, similarly prevents the husband from remarrying, but there are some subtle differences between these scenarios.

Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform changes

Conservative Judaism follows most of the laws and traditions regarding marriage and divorce as is found in Orthodox Judaism. One difference is that the Conservative movement allows certain changes to be made in the Ketubah (wedding document) to make it egalitarian. Often a clause is added to prevent any possibility of the woman ever becoming agunah (called "the Lieberman clause").

Most Orthodox Jews hold that this modification is a violation of Jewish law, and this have devised a separate prenuptial agreement external to the ketubah which has a similar effect - this agreement states that if the husband refuses to grant the get, he will be required to pay an enormous ongoing fee until he grants the get. This agreement is done in such a way that the husband, upon granting the get, will not be considered to have do so under duress (which would invalidate the get), but instead he has a free-will choice to either grant the get or keep paying money (but the fee is usually large enough that he effectively has no choice but to grant the get, unless he wishes to go bankrupt). In addition, this agreement is considered a legal contract by civil courts, so that if the husband refuses to pay the money or grant the get, and the rabbinical courts are unable to enforce the agreement, the civil courts can enforce it. In a recent development the Rabbinical Assembly, the international assembly of Conservative rabbis, has also promoted the use of a separate prenuptuial agreement, to be used in place of the Lieberman clause. This is not because they have concerns about its legitimacy, but rather about its effectiveness.

Reform Jews have traditionally not used a Ketubah at their weddings. They instead usually use a short wedding certificate. They generally do not issue Jewish divorces, seeing a civil divorce as both necessary and sufficient. In recent years those in the traditional wing of Reform have begun using egalitarian forms of the ketubah. Conservative and Orthodox Judaism do not recognize civil law as overriding religious law, and thus do not view a civil divorce as sufficient. Thus, a man or woman may be considered divorced by the Reform Jewish community, but still married by the Orthodox or Conservative community.

Marriage in Israel

As civil marriage does not exist in Israel, the only institutionalized form of marriage in Israel is the religious one, i.e. a marriage conducted by a cleric. In specific, marriage of Israeli Jews must be conducted according to Orthodox Jewish halakha. This implies that people who cannot get married according to Jewish law (e.g. a kohen and a divorcée) cannot have their union sanctioned. This has led for calls, mostly from the secular segment of the Israeli public, for the institution of civil marriage.

Many secular Israelis travel abroad to have civil marriages, either because they do not believe in the Orthodox view of Judaism or because their union cannot be sanctioned by halakha. These marriages are legally binding in Israel, though not recognized by the rabbinate as Jewish.

See also

Judaism's view

Non-Jewish views

*Buddhist view of marriage
*Christian views of marriage
*Confucian view of marriage
*Islamic marital jurisprudence
*Hindu view of marriage

External links


Jewish life topics
Birth: Brit milah | Zeved habat | Hebrew name | Pidyon HaBen
Coming of Age: Upsherin | B'nai Mitzvah | Wimpel | Yeshiva
Adult: Ablution in Judaism | Prayers and blessings | Grace After Meals
Marriage: Matchmaking | Role of women | Niddah | Mikvah | Tzeniut | "Get" | Feminism
Judaism : 613 commandments | Customs | Torah study: Weekly portion; Daf Yomi | Jewish holidays | Tzedakah (Charity)
Cultural: Israel | Diaspora | Immigration into Israel
Items of religious significance: Sefer Torah | Tzitzit | Tallit | Tefillin | Kippah | Menorah | Chanukkiyah | Mezuzah
Death: Chevra Kadisha | Shiv'ah | Kaddish | Tehillim | Yahrzeit | Yizkor
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