Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

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Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many suggestions for improving husband-wife relationships by understanding the emotional needs of the opposite sex.

The book relies heavily on the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets. When discussing relations with the opposite sex, one often hears the complaint, "It's like she's from another planet!" Gray adopts this metaphor as the central theme of all his books and seminars, likening men and women to the classical Greek god Mars and goddess Venus as ideal types.

In contrast to some psychologists (and feminists) who emphasize similarities between the sexes, Gray writes almost exclusively about differences. Gray briefly mentions the fact that his "Martians" and "Venusians" are only sterotypes and cannot be applied blindly to individuals.

Gray acknowledges that the "Mars-Venusian" split is merely a generalization that cannot apply to all men and women, but this is easily overlooked because the book focuses on differences. Where sex differences exist, there is often considerable overlap between the sexes. ^{[#endnote_barnett]} ^{[#endnote_reason]}

An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.

Contents

1 Communication styles
2 Point system
3 The cave
4 Critical response
5 Trivia
6 Notes
7 External Links
8 See also

Communication styles

According to Gray, a woman relieves stress by talking about it, which the man may interpret as an accusation or request for a solution. In terms of woman (or Venusian language) it is just sharing a problem which she wants to be acknowledged. The man on the other hand has a basic instinct to give a solution because Martians (that is, men) do not discuss a problem unless they want a solution.

This can become a bone of contention between a husband and wife because he jumps in with his answer and she interprets this as an undue interruption and makes her feel as if she's not being listened to. The author suggests that this conflict can be avoided if the man understands this situation and silently listens rather than offer a solution. Once she has been heard she will become de-stressed and normalized.

On the other hand, just listening to a man will be similarly frustrating for him, because he's asking for your advice, not your sympathy. The woman needs to understand this and offer practical advice rather than just being sympathetic.

Point system

Gray suggests that while a man might count a $200 item as 20 points and a $10 item as 1 point, women count each item as 1 point. The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks he has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.

The cave

Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or craft room. On the other hand, he believes that women want to discuss problems when they occur. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman constantly tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

Critical response

Some researchers agree with Gray's ideas about male-female communications differences. Deborah Tannen's studies of male/female communcation find that "for women, talk creates intimacy... But men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status." ^{[#endnote_tannen]}. However, other studies do not find such differences. Erina MacGeorge found only a 2 percent difference between communication styles and argues that "when it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is not only wrong, but harmful. For the most part, men and women use, and strongly prefer, the same ways of comforting others – listening, sympathizing and giving thoughtful advice."^{[#endnote_macgeorge]}

Some feminists have criticized the book for being misogynistic. Susan Hanson's web site ["The Rebuttal From Uranus"] says:

Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes

Hanson objects to the lack of reference and details about the research Gray claims to have made, as well as to two central points which she feels Gray makes in his book:

"that men fulfill active roles and are seen as ambitious and powerful. Women, however, satisfy passive roles"; and,
"although the author may grudgingly admit that women are cognizant human beings, they must necessarily take a back seat to the dominant male in their lives in order to routinely accommodate his wants and desires." ^{[#endnote_hanson]}

Other commentators have praised the book for its accessible style and its practical advice on dealing with communication and relationships. For example, John Grohol describes it as “a concise, direct book which gives everyone who reads it down-to-earth advice about what to do to improve your relationship, and how to improve its quality.” ^{[#endnote_grohol]}

Trivia

The Tom and Ray Magliozzi, the Car Talk guys spoofed the title of this book on their comedy album Men are from GM, Women are from Ford.

The band [Men From Earth] deliberately spoofed the title of this famous book when choosing their name. In similar way, one man a cappella rock band Paska named its debut album "Women Are From Venus, Men From Anus.

John Gray appeared on an episode of Penn & Teller's "Bullshit!" which covered the self-help industry.

Notes

↑ [Men Are From Earth, and So Are Women. It's Faulty Research That Sets Them Apart] Rosalind C. Barnett and Caryl Rivers, The Chronicle Review, September 3 2004
↑ [Sex and Sensibility] Cathy Young, Reason, March 1999
↑ [Sex, Lies and Conversation; Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?] Deborah Tannen, The Washington Post, June 24 1990
↑ [Purdue study shows men, women share same planet] Erina MacGeorge, Purdue News, February 17, 2004
↑ [The View from my Well Chapter 1] Susan Hanson, Rebuttal from Uranus, 14 February 1996
↑ [Book review: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus] Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central, February 17 2003