The Junkies

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For the internet sitcom, see The Junkies (sitcom).

The Junkies, formerly known as The Sports Junkies, are a group of radio personalities based in the Washington, D.C./Baltimore market. They are known for interests in American sporting events and their cheeky humor, their show is considered edgy and even a little racy by FCC commission standards. They recently recorded some content for ESPN where the crew got together for a roundtable discussion on sports lists.

Current Line-Up

The four members of the Junkies are as follows:

John Auville

Known as Johnny Cakes, Cakes, Cak, Johnny Blanks or simply Cake, Auville is known for his willingness to go to great lengths to win a bet, such as staying in a coffin for two days. John is an avid fan of all things caffeine-related, often quaffing copious amounts of soft drinks and coffee. He is a graduate of Towson University and is one of the few men to go on a dry spell for two years while in college.

John Auville is a proud father and also spends several hours a day "seeing flops" online. He is often teased for driving a Saturn Vue. Auville is known as a "man in a box" because he is so consumed with his enormous family that he is unaware of the goings on of the outside world. Recently Auville was stunned to find that not everyone has a keypad-based locking system for their house, simply because he has a keypad-based locking system at his house. Auville is known as a kind-hearted individual, an easy laugh, a loyal buddy, a generous tipper, and a music enthusiast.

Eric Bickel

Known as E.B., Bickel is often the most vocal Junkie, likes to play poker online, eat sushi, and is a staunch Republican and Washington Redskins fan. Bickel is a graduate of DeMatha Catholic High School.

Bickel is also a borderline hypochondriac, possibly suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), and, while vocal on the radio, is more reserved in social situations and can make simple verbal exchanges awkward. Being the most vocal and outwardly emotional Junkie, EB is often the leader in the Junkie's "Botch Book" for constantly stumbling over his own words and egregious mispronunciation of common words (often accompanied with emphasizing the wrong syllable, e.g., pee-OH-knee for the flower Peony). He once believed that there was someone in his house turning on the lights just to "mess" with him.

EB is also the self-proclaimed "most cultured" Junkie, even though his definition of a good steak is likely to be one from Outback Steakhouse. EB has a high opinion of himself and his looks. He consistently rates himself an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Bickel is the Junkie most likely to lose his kid while shopping and has more than once reported losing his son Stevie while perusing for clothes.

Bickel recently cordoned off his backyard and dumped his kids in an unclean baby pool for four hours while he "saw flops". Clearly, Bickel is campaigning once again for Father of the Year.

EB's mother, who is very religious and disapproves of the Junkies' decisions and behavior at times, has become a part of the show over the years and her odd breakfast choices (pea soup, chili, taco salad) have become regular fodder for conversation.

Jason Bishop

Known as Lurch due to his height of 6'6", Bishop was nicknamed for the television character named (Lurch, the tall Frankenstein-like butler on The Addams Family.) Bishop played high school basketball at perennial powerhouse DeMatha Catholic High School under legendary coach Morgan Wootten. He continued on and played college basketball at the University of Richmond. He finally graduated from Salisbury State University (now Salisbury University).

Bishop is a fan of the Boston Red Sox, San Francisco 49ers,betting on sporting events, and dropping major coin on the poker and blackjack tables at the Atlantis while on vacation in the Bahamas. After the radio program, he spends his days locked in his office playing cards or supervising his Hispanic help working on his house and yard. Jason is not handy and would rather pay for these services than break a sweat.

Jason also frequents Ocean City, Maryland and now owns a property at the large Maryland beach. He was once referred to as "Leech Dog" by a female contestant on one of the Junkies games. Recently it was reported that the "Lurch Papa" uses woman's roll-on deoderant. Lurch is the Junkie most rumored to be homosexual, and during the show the Junkies play drops (sound clips) of him making homo-erotic comments. He often declares that he wants to have sex with Marcellus Wiley. Lurch is also rumored to have an obese half sister. This is a VERY touchy subject to Lurch, and he will deny her existence and quickly change the subject if she is mentioned. Whenever a female caller calls in, he is quick to ask for a picture.

Lurch recently poured his daughter's beloved fish, Popsicle and Kelly, into his neighbors' pond instead of undertaking the "effort" of moving them to his new house. When drunk, Lurch has been known to look around the room he's in and tell you all of the things he doesn't know about. Recently, Lurch's stumbling over himself during the Junkette dating game led listeners to believe he wants to crush Junkette Theresa! He also recently acquired a new nickname from a fan.He is now known as BIG DUMMY LURCH or BDL

John-Paul Flaim

Known as JP, Flaim graduated from Temple University Beasley School of Law with a law degree and passed the Maryland bar examination in 1997 (on his second attempt). He is of Puerto Rican and Italian heritage and likes to vacation in Puerto Rico once a year. JP once knocked out obese radio personality Chad Dukes in a boxing match, likes to exercise, and is the Junkie most likely to spend time with his wife visiting sports celebrities such as Jeff Smoker and Darryl Pounds.

Contrary to the beliefs of some, JP is clearly the most intelligent of the Junkies. This becomes particularly apparent when JP engages the rocks-for-brains Bickel on any subject requiring analysis or critical reasoning. Bottom line, JP can think and Bickel just blows smoke. On the death of Richard Pryor, JP stated that he never was a fan of Sanford and Son, sugggesting he believed that Pryor played Lamont on that show. This was one of the worst botches to have aired on the show. Out of all the Junkies, he would be the only one that could branch out and go solo. He often does charity appearances for no cost, which is something only he and Cakes would do. The other two money-grubbing Junkies would never do anything for charity unless they recieved an appearance fee.

Origins

Auville, Bickel, and Flaim grew up as friends in suburban Bowie, Maryland. Auville and Flaim attended Eleanor Roosevelt High School in nearby Greenbelt, Maryland; at the same time, Bickel met Bishop while attending DeMatha Catholic High School in Hyattsville, Maryland. Bickel and Flaim also attended the University of Maryland together.

Out of college, the foursome and other friends (known as the "Homies") hung out and often shared living quarters with each other, all while watching a lot of professional and collegiate sports and wisecracking on women, music, and current events. In 1995, Auville, Bickel, Bishop, and Flaim began their broadcasting career as a hobby; they produced and hosted a 30-minute cable access show in Bowie. The show mixed sports chat, irreverant humor, a soundtrack of alternative rock music, and the foursome's combustible charm and wit.

The show became a regional hit, and following a review in the Washington Times, the Junkies were hired in 1996 by Infinity Broadcasting to create a weekly radio show carried on its station WJFK-FM in Fairfax, Virginia. Later the show moved to weeknights. The Junkies gained extra notoriety, when in 2001, it was rumored that they were part of the P.G. County bone smuggling ring. The charges were never proved conclusively.

The Infinity Broadcasting Years

The Junkies became perennial Arbitron ratings winners in the Washington market, particularly within the demographics of young men under the age of 30. The show thrived on the interplay of the foursome, featured guests such as Playboy models, rock stars, and local sports celebrities such as University of Maryland basketball coach Gary Williams.

In 2002, Infinity moved the Junkies program from WJFK to WHFS, the market's alternative rock station, which was having ratings woes. This also was the first time the show appeared in morning drive, and gave the Junkies a new fan base in the Baltimore market. The show did well, even garnering weekly input from Maryland Governor Robert Ehrlich, but Infinity abruptly changed the entire format of WHFS to salsa music in early 2005, leaving the Junkies temporarily without a radio home.

It was later announced that the Junkies would be returning to WJFK-FM in a lunchtime spot, and with Howard Stern's jump to Sirius Satellite Radio in 2006, the Junkies show eventually returned to the morning drive slot, this time appearing on both WJFK-FM and WHFS (which is now located at 105.7 FM in Baltimore). The Junkies later acknowledged that they were promised Stern's morning drive slot (upon his move to Sirius) when they moved back to WJFK.

Programming Content

The Junkies show has certain standard segments that appear often at the hosts' whims:

• A sports recap and discussion, where Bishop often reads the morning sports headlines and the four Junkies banter about the games played. The sound effect of a newsroom is often heard before each score or story is read.
• An entertainment "report' read by Bickel (with accompanying Entertainment Tonight theme clip) and discussion.
• Calls by show regulars - either longtime friends of the Junkies (the Homies) or colorful personalities that have become fan favorites, such as "Sac Town Mike", "Cowboy Todd", "Chad Dukes", "Blind Mookie", "Bruce the Hugger", "Larry the Corky," and "Drunk Mike."
• Liberal use of a lingo that the Junkies and their friends have used since their schoolboy days, with many additions over the broadcast years. Terms such as:
• *Donkeys (someone who is considered "hurting" or dumb, also seen used widely in the professional poker world now, something the Junkies take credit for).
• *Hurting (someone who is unappealing to the Junkies, or a loser. (e.g., "a big fat Hurting! Pronounced "hairrting")
• *Money (someone or something very good)
• *Silly (like money - also can refer to a pretty woman)
• *Bitties (a woman's breasts - large breasts are Tig Old Bitties)
• *Show (a situation that is ridiculous or stupid)
• *Butt-trifling (terrible)
• *Cised (excited)
• *Nubbins (broke; penniless; poor)
• *Dagger! (bad circumstance, happening, event or situation i.e.; when E.B. went all-in on a pair of deuces and lost $2,000, it was "a huge dagger." Honestly, was there ever greater evidence of E.B.'s utter stupidity than going all-in on deuces? The term was made popular by local basketball commentator Steve Buckhantz, who uses the term when the opposing team makes a basket near the end of the game that puts the game out of reach for the hometown boys. The Junkies will play a clip of one of Buckhantz' more enthusiastic "dagger" lines when appropriate).
• *Dumpy (big and fat)
• *Lee Haney (derived from the former Mr. Olympia of the same name; implies heinous looks)
• *Lock (a guaranteed winner)
• *Ricky (a loser; derivative of Richard which is a derivative of Dick; also refers to Ricky Williams, former NFL and current CFL football player, and his donkey-like antics)
• *Tom Glancy (indicates paying only passing attention to something, particularly of the written word, without gleaning the meat of the story and often getting basic facts wrong. E.B. is a huge contributer to Tom Glancy)
• *Zippy (zero; without a chance)

To avoid FCC or station censorship, the Junkies often refer to sexual acts or innuendo with celebrity or sports figures names. For example, Clinton Portis, the Redskins running back, is the term used to describe a woman's clitoris.

Other references include Lou Holtz, which refers to a penis, and "Jeff Smoker" (after the former Michigan State, current St. Louis Rams QB) and "Surhoffs" (after baseball player B.J. Surhoff), which refers to oral sex performed on a male. When referring to defecation they will use the term Duce Staley or Deuce McAllister.

Other Contributors

• Chris Kineard (CK): He produces the show for the Junkies.

• Bret Olivero (Bret Michaels, "meaty thighs"): He also produces the show and screens calls, "when not entering Jenny's house through the back door." He recently scored big in a poker tournament. Has recently confessed on air that his biggest man crush is Michael Jordan

• "Big Daddy" Kevin McCarthy (BDK): 22 year-old virgin with acne who does a weekly segment as a movie critic.

• Chad Dukes: Another former intern of WJFK. He co-hosted the "Big O and Dukes" show in Baltimore until he was fired for uttering a racial epithet. He calls in to share his thoughts on life and to pick on BDK! Is rumored to have landed a new radio gig in Phoenix Arizona on 101.5 FREE FM.

• Kat: "A ridiculously hot Junkette" (promotions girl). She is "a real free spirit with the sexiest voice you could ever hear." Enjoys driving naked.

• Kara: Golddiggerish Junkette that has been known to say things like she would only date a CEO or someone who owns their own business.

External links

• [The Junkies official site]
• [The Junkies on MySpace.com]
• [Big Daddy Kev's movie reviews] (The Junkies movie reviewer)
• [The Washington Post Magazine cover article (02/26/2006)]

 

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